Dating in Ecuador

When I first decided to travel to South America I had visions of tropical white sandy beaches filled with tanned hot men with ponytails drinking Cuba Libres out of coconuts. In reality most of the men I have come across have large bellies that they like to roll their tee shirt up and tuck between their man boobs and their proud large round stomachs….. not the vision I had hoped for! However, the beaches are to die for once you get past the ‘ psss princesa, hermosa’ or ‘hola Guapa’ or my personal favourite ‘Que rico’ from the passing local gentlemen. Not all the guys are like this and lets be honest we have our own fair share of dickheads in the UK, Quito guys are a little more tactful when your walking in the street but once they open the doors to the guys on Ladies night……. For the love of god who teaches these boys the most appalling chat up lines? Oh that’s right me! I have one student who if he does well in class that week I give him one chat up line in English. For all my Quito girlfriends….. I am sorry it was me! He loves Friday chat up line time, you have beautiful eyes, Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? ( good use of past tense I feel) and for this one I am truly sorry but I was running out of the none offensive and had to pull out this old cracker…… Get your coat you have pulled! I’m sorry…..  But it’s better than the same old four words that some them only know- Hello Baby, My Love….

As you can tell my dating experiences are going well here in Quito.

                

I wanted to check I was not just being unfortunate so asked some of the girls if they also had these experiences, oh yes and here are their top Ecuadorian chat ups-

"Gracias a dios por tu pecho" from a taxi driver. Thank god for your chest.

"Baja la blusa un poquito mas"

"You know, I don't like dating Ecuadorian women anymore. I prefer gringas. Wanna know why?" Me, "not really." Him, " because you have to buy them dinner and everything. Gringas are so much easier!" Thank you!

I love when grown men call ‘mi mami’... So Freudian

Baños broke me …….again!

So the fatal mistake of mixing 6 excited girls, drinks and Banos resulted in a black eye, a chipped tooth and a pulled back muscle …… But great fun! So Friday night we all head to Banos in Marco’s car I have full intentions of catching up on some zzzz till Marco announces there is a bottle of jack in the back of the car….. wooohoooo NOW let the fun begin!

So we arrived late on Friday night and instead of going to bed we hit Banos town big time, remember the toy cars that you pull back, release and watch going flying forward? They are the perfect example of us after hours in a car with a bottle of jack! After being in the hostel for a matter of half an hour we were told to be quiet twice …… so its only fair for us to take our excitement and noise to the nearest bar. No idea what time we got home but for the love of god we just couldn’t find anywhere that was still selling alcohol, so at a guess it was late.

The next morning I woke up on top bunk, how I got up there the night before I have no idea. So I hang my head over the side to see which sleeping beauty is below me and the lovely Heather with last nights make up on is still giving big ZZZZZ. So what to do? I’m bored, stuck on top bunk ( like really no idea how I made it up there as I cant get down sober) and feeling a little sick if I am honest. So I start to cough and rock the bed a little, heather wasn’t as pleased to see my smiling upside down face as I had hoped!   

So that mornings rafting trip was out of the window, not a hope in hell of getting us on a boat! So as Delia and Heather look around for a tour operator to take us that afternoon I head to Café Hood to meet up with Claire and Jorge, after a couple of Jorge’s strong coffees the world is calm again and I start to enjoy hearing what they have been up to since my last visit.  Delia and Heather join us with some great and not so great news, they have sorted rafting but also booked us on a disco bus that night. I have a pet hate for all drunken knobs on these types of things…… looks like I will be one of these drunken knobs tonight!

We also made a new friend, he is called Albert and is imaginary! So wherever we go we have to save a space for Albert also share our food and drink with him, some very confusing looks when we were having a conversation with an empty chair and sharing our breakfast with it…… in our heads it was the funniest thing ever! So after enjoying wine and Jenga, which Albert kept losing at, may I mention! We head off to rafting on the back of a pick up, this was extremely uncomfortable and not the best idea after the night before’s consumption levels. One of us finished the ride over the back of the truck vomiting as we were still moving and the other two clinging to our stomachs hoping not to go the same way……. Classy ladies we know! 

However, the rafting was amazing! So much fun and so much laughing, once again we were the loudest and I feel the serious medical students who were unfortunate enough to be placed with us really did hate us…… oh well we had fun! As we hit the first rapid we are screaming for him to tip the boat and having the rest of the group asking not too….. and we do a half flip leaving only Delia and I in the boat ( the two who wanted to flip). The guide starts to shout at us to paddle but the ors are all over the river so what to do but doggy paddle over the side, which results in us just laughing in hysterics! The first person we pick up is a terrified small medical student as I try to lift her back into the boat I cant for laughing so hard at just how petrified her face is…… like she has just gone down with the Titanic! I know I was being mean but I just couldn’t stop laughing. In the end the guild had to come to the front and lift her in, she just glared at me as she fell into the boat. I feel my apology was not quite believed as I struggled to keep a straight face!

Later that night as I am getting ready to be a drunken knob on the vengabus I look in the mirror to find I have a bruise across my cheek, of course I blame Delia for this as she was the closest to me on the raft and I wouldn’t put it past her! However, it could have been the angry little medical student and who could blame her? This will stay a mystery ( but really it was Delia).

So the vengabus…… what to say? I LOVED it! Absolutely brilliant and done it in true classy fashion with a carton of wine with a bendy straw, which was later use to do Madonna impressions! So the vengabus takes us up to a view point to see the volcano, by this point we are drunk and have no interest in such cultural things, which is good as its so cloudy you cant see anything but yet people are still staring out at…… NOTHING! We lose Esther and the other two as soon as we get there, once again like the pull back cars we are released and go running off! Fear not I am still with Albert, Delia and Heather so we proceed to walk around the large groups of people whispering but in a loud voice Esssttthhheeerrrr. Now I know your thinking how do you whisper in a loud voice? Picture the girl from the Exorcist, now imagine being stood looking out at the so called volcano enjoying a quiet time and having that bad voice coming up behind you! We gave a great name to all tourists that night!

Back onto the vengabus with cartons of wine, pole dancing ( always happens in Banos) and disapproving looks we get back to Banos. That night I try and fail to dance instead I start demanding fried chicken ( in a scouse accent for some reason) ,  luckily Deila is the pro at finding good chicken and the 3 of us sorry 4 keep forgetting Albert enjoy chicken and chips at daft o clock.

Sunday morning was a bad day a very bad day in my books, we departed late from the hostel so no time for coffee! As I am stood painfully with a pulled back muscle drinking bad coffee for a street stall I run my tongue over my back tooth to find half of it missing! I mean really how the hell did I not notice doing that? As the famous dark mood of hungover Michelle enters I now apologise to everyone I was rude to…… Peaceful, respectful and well lets not go too far Michelle is back, I promise x                     

Manta

So the dreaded date has now been and gone, thank god! As I look at my bitten fingers and black bags under my eyes I cant help but think what was all the fuss about? What did help was some great friends, delicious food from Patricio and superb wine chosen by Jaana.

If your ever in Manta Kotona Bistro is the place to be, I know I am being biased because the owners are my friends but truly Patricio and Jaana have put so much effort and love into Kotona you cant help but feel straight at home. The food, music and the ambiance are just perfect especially for a place that’s only been open 3 months.

            www.facebook.com/KotonaBistro

So what did the rest of the weekend consist of? Not a lot….. sunbathing, Beers, more food and bubbles. I kept out of trouble and sorted all negative thoughts and turned them into opportunities and strengths.

Now I am back in Quito I may have to ‘just say yes’ once again.  

       

Wedding Day Blues

So today was meant to be my wedding day the dress hanging in my mother’s wardrobe and the bridesmaid dresses still unmade and untouched. For the last month I have been slowly falling apart (apologies to all friends involved) as I desperately try to sort the positive from the negative thoughts in my head, I view my brain to be the same as the back of a work station with computer wires tangled and twisted so I can’t make out the start or end points. However, today I have unplugged everything and started to lay the wires out into neat rows. Last night I boarded an over night bus with the lovely Fernanda and Jo then headed to the beach, Sun, Fun and what was it….. oh yes Sand! Are more than needed this weekend to give me that final push to make it though. So here we are staying with the multi talented Patricio and Jaana in their new beautiful Kotona bistro.

For the last two weeks I have desperately been trying not to be alone with the thoughts of what could have been, but today I found a quiet place and made a list of why of the situation and events are for the best. I feel these are a little too personal to post on here, I can tell you I feel better straightening these thoughts in my own head. There are still so many things in life I want to do but to be honest I am going to stop looking for these things and just live for now! It took a long time to stop asking ‘why me?’ Now I am just asking what fun and trouble can I enjoy today, because even next week seems like too long term planning.  

Now I have been told about a club here in Manta and I think it sounds like the perfect wedding night with Salsa, mojitos and laughs. 

Just say Yes!

The plan was to head to the beach this weekend but think I am turning Latin and never got round to trying to book anything till 2pm on the day of departure. So the ever so helpful bus employees didn’t fail me or surprise me. I asked if there were any buses going to the beach, any beach I don’t care which. His reply was simply ‘yes’ great I get to pick, No, there are buses but no seats left on the buses! Talk about a tease but guess that was my question. So as I phone everyone trying to decide what to do, it becomes apparent no one has any plans so Quito it is.

Thursday turned into a depression day as the date of my planned wedding becomes too close to deal with or even think about, I decided to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head. However, the wonderful Kate comes and pulls me out with the temptation of a good bottle of red and pizza (two of my favourite things in the world) Simple things I know!

Friday was a holiday so I slump back into pulling the covers over my head with full plans of not facing anything or one for the whole weekend. But my next shining angels are Delia and Heather who just keep phoning till I answer. I then drag myself once again out of bed make coffee and have the hottest shower to try and awaken. We head to the historic centre to watch the president being sworn in for his 3^rd term, it was great to watch how admired he is by Ecuadoreans something we Brits cannot enjoy at present. Also trying to work out whom all the presidents were from all over South America. I stood there feeling the warm sun, and then smiling and laughing with friends I thought about how I have to change my thinking and thoughts into more positive ones to get through these next couple of weeks. So with a positive attitude we head to the pub and proceed to laugh even louder with every beer, if felt good to sit with people who don’t know or care about my past and just enjoy telling stories. For a day that started so badly I was surprised at how much fun I had and for how long ( it was gone midnight by the time our lunch date ended). If I had stayed in bed with covers pulled high and laying in self-pity I would have missed a great day, so I make a deal to say yes to every invitation for the next week. No, is not part of my vocabulary for this week! I know dangerous but so far so good……

Saturday I said yes to a ladies coffee group meeting, for you that know me know I would normally mock such a group. However, I had a wonderful time and met some great new friends. This was another lunch date that ended stupid O’clock across town in a Colombian/ Arabic café. Not sure if I was the bad influence or not in this case! Anyway we are going bowling tomorrow night because I can’t say no, also want to give it a go as it’s been years.

Tonight I am going to a Poker game, no idea what I am doing and last time I played I lost everything! But fear not Kate has printed of pictures of what the good hands are so I am sure my Poker face will be believed as I am double checking my ‘how to play Poker’ hand out!

Yesterday four of us hired bikes and cycled along the old railway lines in the valley next to Quito. The bikes were less desirable and today my bum is killing me. 20km on a bike that was older than me bumping along an old railway line, sounds disgusting but amazing fun! Then a girly pizza night in town with once again a good bottle of red, ok who am I trying to kid a good couple of bottles.

So the rest of the week looks busy already with Bowling, Ladies night, Charity dinner, a travel presentation and more pizza.

Now I am waiting for the ridiculous invitation that I know I would offer someone if I knew they couldn’t say no, For example compete in Miss Ecuador transvestites competition or bring pork chops to the Jewish Passover.     

Otavalo

I’ve been told Otavalo is the biggest market in South America and you can buy anything here! Anything you say? Ok so competition time between Kate, Sophie and I to try and buy everything on the most ridiculous shopping list ever seen.

·      A crocodile

·      A small indigenous child

·      Original 1980’s Atari computer 

·      Peruvian Flag

·      Traditional hat from vendors head

·      Inappropriate Tee shirt (extra points for the best or worst, depends how we see it)

·       Size 10 hi tec trainer boots

·      One left shoe

So after a quiet night in Bungalow I wake up early to head to the bus station, Kate surprises us all by also being up on time and even managing to find a taxi metro. These Taxis are like gold dust to us Gringos as normally they have the meter but guess what its stopped working…… but they will make us a good price!

So as we are bumping our way along to the station I get a text from a friend (last nights partner in crime)- WTF happened last night, I passed out and woke up with a black eye from head butting the toilet while vomiting.

At this point I begin to understand the queasiness going on in my stomach and the realization that maybe last night was not so quiet.

Fear not a travel sickness tablet and some hard boiled mints later and all is well again. I even managed to stay awake on the bus this time. Poor Kate then got to listen to all my confused life thoughts on route, yes still going through the ‘what the hell am I doing in life’ stage.

So we eventually arrive at the market and the competition commences. A nice easy one to begin with the Crocodile, so I ask a vendor ‘ where can I buy a Crocodile?’ He then tells me that I missed the animal market this morning. No confusion at the fact I want to buy a Crocodile just that I was too late! Brilliant! I really love Ecuador at times.

Now onto the small indigenous child, I really thought it would be just inappropriate to ask someone to sell me his or her child. I think foreigners have a bad enough reputation without me fueling this by asking them to name a price for their kid, also where would I keep it? I can’t see the Croc being too happy to share a room.

At one point I saw a small indigenous child in a Peruvian shirt, so I am thinking two birds one stone but still couldn’t do it.

Traditional hat from vendors head turned out to be the easiest one, mister, I like your hat. Where can I buy one? -You can have this one for $150, its real rabbit! Bit out of budget but found out it would be an easy task to get one.

My personal favorite was trying to buy one shoe, one lady had slippers for sale $2 for a pair. So $1 right? –

Me- Solo necesito un zapato. Cuánto?

Vendor- un zapato? 

Me- Sí, mi tio solo tiene un pie.

Lets just say she was confused and not very happy, I guess my uncle will have to find another one legged friend to share pairs of shoes with as vendors are not happy to sell only one shoe.

So truth be told you can’t buy everything in Otavalo Market this is a myth, well you certainly can’t buy A crocodile ( in the afternoon anyway), Original 1980’s Atari computer, Peruvian Flag seems they still hate them, Inappropriate Tee shirt this surprised me as you see so many of them, Size 10 hi tec trainer boots and One left shoe.

So after our failed shopping trip we head back to the lovely La Luna Hostel and grab a couple of sun dowers and watch the sun set over an incredible landscape. Then have a game of Monopolio……  

  

                  

Isinlivi

Last weekend we headed to the wonderful Llullu Llama Hostel on the Quilotoa Loop. Feeling I have been over doing the social aspects in Quito it was a welcomed change. No Bungalow for me ( as my liver sighs with relief) I also felt the need to be a grown up for a couple of days, there is only so many inappropriate conversations a girl can have in a short time.

So early in the morning we head off to meet Christian the owner of Llullu Llama Hostel who has kindly offered to give us a lift from Quito to the rural and almost untouched Sigchos. As always I fell asleep before even leaving Quito so can’t tell you much about the drive till we get to just before Latacunga where we pick up Chris and Julia somewhere on the Pan America. They had been waiting 2 hours in the roasting sun next to a food stall cooking nothing but Cuy and Rabbit (slim pickings to say the least). At this point we head up into the mountains and to what can only be described as perfect scenery. Watching the green hill’s expand as far as we can see, unbelievable how the locals manage to farm at such heights buts they do and the different crop fields make the hills look like a patchwork quilt.

After more than an hour on one of the most questionable roads, questionable because at times I am not sure it was even a road we arrived at Llullu Llama. The small town is just how you would picture a small Andean town to be, farmers out milking cows by hand, chickens running around everywhere and the local kids looking like they don’t have a worry in the world. Everyone was so friendly and would wave as you go past. However, after being there for a matter of 5 minutes the heavens opened and one of the loudest storms started, so what to do? No TV, No Wi-Fi so you guessed it a crate of beer and cards. Quechua is still spoken here so trying to find Beer was not the easiest task, after a couple of false promises we found an 11 year old shop girl selling Beer (no kidding). With a slight feeling of guilt we paid her but this was soon erased when she told us to bring back to empties so she could cash them in, so obviously this is not the first time this 11 year old girl has been dealing in Beer.

So lowering the tone of the serene little village as we walk back to the hostel with our Beers and maxi bags of Dorito crisps. Then the real fun and learning began with cards, uno and trying to light a fire at altitude (harder than you think). Crystal done this in her normal classy style of a tie dye onezie with a butt flap button that was only just holding together!

The next morning we woke up early to catch sunrise over this spectacular backdrop. A quick hike up the nearest hill didn’t fail us physically or on the views. Once again I was reminded of how lucky I am to have this on my doorstep and how many places are left still to be explored, not just here but the whole world. Looking down at the small farms where large families sleep, eat and live in one room, to some people these conditions would be hell but if you think how close they must be working and living like this. I felt envious of them that I would never feel this kind of bond not many people will ever, it made me think about home and how many things I have and will miss out on.